Transcribe of YouTube Video ‘Multiplicity of Mind: An Approach To Healing the Inner Self’ by Dr Richard Schwartz

Dr Schwartz, a Psychotherapist, has been practising ‘Inner Family Systems’ (IFS) techniques since the last 30 years. It is about asking questions to our body and waiting for answers to come. It is quite a radical shift in paradigm. We left everything in the past not realising that we were locking away, exiling your most precious qualities. There is a real inner family we all live with. It is like the external family, if you neglect them….?

He has authored the book “You Are the One”

IFS began as a form of psychotherapy and is now more a life practice or a way of understanding human beings. Basic assumption is none of us are Unitary personalities. It is the nature of mind to have lots of different Parts or Ego states. That is natural. Those Parts are all valuable, no bad Parts even in persons who have done heinous crimes. We are stuck in a place in the past. They are trying their best to protect the person. They assumed that everyone is Unitary but due to Trauma it got fragmented. But the fragments or Parts existed before the Trauma. The Parts are trying to keep you safe. They exist, they are real and exist before the Trauma.

We can change all that by reorganising the Family Systems. If we are working with an acting out kid, we assume that is not acting out what diagnosis he carries but he is trying to protect himself from something that has happened in the family. Our assumption is that we can reorganise the family and try to improve whatever external relationships were producing these symptoms and he would stop doing that. To the Drs dismay this did not help. When the kids were asked why they are doing it, they came up with weird answers, talking about different Parts of them doing all the stuff inside. Something happens in my life, triggers this critic who is brutal. Makes me feel horrible. That brings up a Part that feels young, empty and low and worthless and that feeling is so distressing than the bench comes in to take me away. But then the bench turns a critic again who is calling me a Pig n top of the other names and that goes right to the heart of empty, worthless young one so the bench has to come back. Dr was lucky that he had a couple of clients who were extremely articulate about the whole thing. First Dr thought the kids were really sicker than he thought, maybe they have multiple personality disorder. He saw himself, oh my God, and he seemed to have it too! I got this Critic, etc. He calmed down and started with a beginners frame and a systems frame. That really changed!

These are not just voices, of our parents, or emotions. These are manifestations of the Parts. If we focus on one of them exclusively and get curious about it and just ask, you will find out that it is a full range personality that really has a lot to tell you besides the little thought it is giving you and is stuck in extreme role because something happened in childhood, maybe. After trial and error the Dr found how to help the change to leave the extreme roles, to come to the desire they want to be.

If we were to focus inside, you would say there is this one over here and the other one over here. To him it is not compassionate to watch suffering beings parade by passively. So, it is mindfulness plus, get mindful, go to them and help them, hold them and show them that you care about them. They will start to relax. Most of these Parts are quite young and yet they are still running your life! They can’t handle it but they still try to do it. They are younger and frozen in time and in bad times in your life, where they got stuck! They think you are still 5 years old. They think they still have to protect you like they did back then! They carry burdens, extreme emotions that came to you in that moment and attach to these Parts and drive them like a Virus. While the healing will help them let go of these emotions and getting out of being stuck in the past.

As you get these Parts to separate inside, it releases this Person who knows how to heal the Parts, called THE (DIVINE) SELF.

Dr says that IFS is quite opposite to the cultured or Therapy approach. This is all good saying that we are forced into these extreme roles but if you just take the time to get curious and listen to them (Parts) they will tell you the secret history of how they got hurt. It isn’t that I have to figure out what happened in the past. I am working with you and you are working with your angry Part, you focus on it and ask what happened and also ask what will happen if you didn’t get so angry sometime. In asking that you will learn that it is desperately trying to protect you and it is protecting some other Part of you which is quite young and vulnerable. We will negotiate permission to go to that one and by a process we will heal that. All that we will be doing when we are in The SELF. They are real good Parts that got forced into these extreme roles and trying their best to keep you safe. You come to curiosity first, ultimately compassion, and you can wind up honouring them for the service and they love that. As you do that, the change in relationships, they will start to change too! They aren’t what they seem. They deserve to be listened to. Dr is trying to get his Client to talk to the Critic inside, it is going pretty well, but suddenly Client is furious with the Critic. Is someone siding with the Critic. Perhaps the Critic has taken over and doing the talking. That person or Critic has to be taken out of range, and create a better boundary around the Client and the Critic. The Client will settle down and have a decent conversation with the Critic. So, Dr says to the Client to find out who is siding with the Critic and ask it to just relax. Client says I am just curious why it calls me names? The simple act of asking these Parts to open the space seems to release this other person who is not only curious, also is calm, confidant and even compassion sometimes, I am sorry that I have to do this!

The big deal about IFS is that suddenly this other person, I came to call the SELF, emerged spontaneously. We did not have to build up a muscle of compassion. It was just opening space! It was uncovered, it just came out! In that state the dialogue with the Critic or any other part would go well. That SELF is in everybody, can’t be damaged, knows how to heal, just break the surface of these Parts so that in the open space it pops out. Most of these Parts got their role when you were too young to protect yourself. So, they think you are not able to do that and so they have to do it for you! Just ask the Part how old do you think you are? You will get a single digit most of the time! Just update it a little bit and see how it reacts. Sometimes they are amazed that you are a grown man who can protect himself now and can take care of them and they don’t have to take care of you in the same way. Parts are frozen in time! One of the goals to the Parts is to revert to their natural valuable states, second goal is to trust SELF as the leader. They don’t have to do it at all because there is this other person that can do it for them.

The big distinction that emerged between these Parts was that they are very vulnerable and hurt and the Parts have protected them. They are young and sensitive but when they are not hurt, they are playful, loving, open and creative and wonderful and we love them. We don’t really know them. But there are more sensitive parts that get hurt by the swings and arrows, by the bad character, by the Traumas. Once they do, they take on burdens like emotional pain or worthlessness or shame or terror from the event. Now they are not so much fun to be around. They have the power to overwhelm us and pull us back into those memories and make it so we can’t function very well. So we kind off naturally try to lock them away in basements and try our best to stay away from them and everybody around us tells us to do that cause this is the rugged individual’s culture. You probably got the message many times ‘just move on, don’t look back, you can’t change what happened. So, you did, you left all that in the past thinking you were just moving on from memories or emotions not realising you were locking away, exiling your most precious qualities just cause they got hurt . Once you get a lot of Exiles like that you feel more delicate and the world feels more dangerous because so many things can trigger them. Again if they get triggered, it is like flames of emotions overwhelm you and take you out. Critic doesn’t want you to feel good about yourself and so it will lock away any information that counters it’s narrative. But focus on it and get curious about it, ask what it is afraid would happen if it didn’t do this job. It is one of the three answers you would get, either it is trying to keep you small so that you don’t shine and get hurt, or it is trying to motivate you to work harder and do better.

Burden of worthlessness is carried by the Exile. There is also a Critic echoing our parent’s voice goading Dr to achieve, to counter the worthlessness. IFS would not exist if this was true for Dr! It is probably been 20 years out of the forty for Dr, and the Critic is doing a totally different job, Exile’s worthlessness is all unburdened and Dr is still cooking! Dr is a much better leader. I am leading from the SELF now. Critic leaks out to other people. Critic now helps me discern what is good and valuable and what Dr should stay away from. Former worthless Part or shame Part now is a playful little guy and I don’t ever drive my wife crazy! I don’t hear that nagging critical voice anymore! Children feel that if their parents don’t like them they are going to die !l

Go to these Firefighting additive Parts, learn about what they are protecting and heal that, slowly they take on new roles. Change the view of the addictive Part, to really listen to it and honour it for it’s service rather than seeing it as an enemy. As you change the relationship with that Part, and even before you heal, what drives it, just letting it know you understand it better, you can see how it is really trying to help you even though it is not sometimes and is stuck in the past. Just that shift in relationship, the Part starts to relax a lot and if you get triggered you have that big impulse right away. You can just remind it, I know that you are trying to take care of me right now, but just trust me, I don’t need that right now. And you will find a lot more co-operation inside because you have a loving relationship with that Part that ordinarily you were afraid of or angry at.

If you worked on it and built this whole new relationship with it, it knows you now and knows it doesn’t have to protect you in the same way then you have the … choice in the moment, much more than you do when you just act automatically and does its job that way. Unburden these Parts that are stuck in the past. I wouldn’t like you to go back in history and figure out rationally and try to identify the key Trauma. I will have you focus on the pain or shame or the terror or the sense of rejection or why would anybody want me. I will have you find in your body and I will have you just ask these questions of that place in your body and wait for the answers to come rather than think of the answer. People start to see themselves, often as a child stuck in a bad situation in the past or whole series of bad situations. And then how do you feel towards the boy? If you are SELF, I will feel sorry for him. I am going to help him. A Part might say he was too weak, he shouldn’t have got hurt like that. Can we get that Part to give us a break so that we can actually help him and get him out of where he is stuck? It is much more limbic kind of emotional experience than trying to figure it out from the cerebral Part. Dr is seeing this as an inner ecology. For example, before I will have you go to the boy, I would have you work with the Part that doesn’t want you to go there. It is afraid that you may be overwhelmed by what it feels. I would spend time going over those fears and addressing those fears and getting permission before I went. I learnt the hard way that if I were to let you go to that inner child and you did feel overwhelmed the Protectors will backlash, make you feel terrible and ruin our relationship. Working with these Protectors beforehand and getting permission and having them to come in and see the change after. Bigger difference is the SELF. It is better if your SELF is taking care of the Inner Child and getting out of where it is stuck. The Child trusts you as the attachment figure or the Good Parent inside.

Depression- we got an Exile that is very hurt or very sad and the Protectors are trying to keep you away from that. In Depression there is a Part that numbs you out, flattens you out so you don’t have a say. It is really, really afraid of the Exile, afraid of the pain that will overwhelm you. So, it makes you apathetic and inert lot of the time and then you got the Critic that is nailing you for being depressed, why can’t you get over it, why can’t you just get out there. So, it is a version of that. The SELF has to get the Parts to buy in. Dr calls it hope riction??. If I went to the flattening Part of you, I would say ask what would happen if it lets you feel much. You will be overwhelmed and you will be pulled into this abyss and I can’t let that happen. Ok, if we could heal that so it wasn’t such a threat would you have to keep him so flat? The Part will say No, but I don’t think you can do that. If I thought you could do it, I would not be doing it. None of them like their job! Dr said Could you give me a chance to prove we can, because we can heal that Part so you don’t have to do this job so you could be free to do something entirely different. Ask the flattening Part as to what it would like to do instead if it really didn’t have to do that. You will be amazed at the answers, often the opposite. It wants to get you out and give you a lot of life.

The concept is that they are all valuable, they got stuck in these roles and we are allowing them to return to where to the naturally valuable state.

If I can stay in Compassion in the face of Anger, If I can stay in the SELF

SEPF is Contagious, Protectors are contagious. I react to the Protective Part, it is going to escalate. We are both going to get more and more extreme. If I can see the pain that is driving her, stay in SELF and speak in a very very low voice, she will calm down very quickly. That is one very valuable aspect for IFS couples.

Most of us come into relationships with this Exile Part that feels worthless and is looking to or feel terrified and is looking to our partner to take care of that Part and the partner can’t do that. The partner at some point will trigger the same Parts in the same way.

I make a U turn in couples focus so that each partner becomes primary care taker or attachment figure for their own Parts which frees up the partner to become the secondary care taker.

On a good day we both say time out and go away from each other. We both go inside and find the Part that was doing the talking, we try to get them to tell us about the Parts they are protecting. We let them know, we get that they felt bad but let me handle this from the SELF. you guys don’t have to handle it. I feel the shift, the rush of anger just kind of separates. I will say, I will talk to you later. Let me go back. We go back to a very different place. Things that used to take days to get over, are now over in less than half an hour.

There is a Part that is been running your life and is very attached to being in charge so the idea that there are other parts, is very friendly to it. The idea that it is not who you are. There are some parts that come in. I am gently connecting with them, just helping them to trust that it is a safe environment. There is a Part which got you where you are now. It has been terribly valuable in many ways. And I bet it is really tired. It is constantly striving and working. We love that Part, so valuable and done such a good job. But just check and see, it might want a little break and might want to check around and see if it is all alone there or there might be other Parts of you, or even you who could be helping it. So, it is kind of a sales pitch. To confront people, is a relic of the 12 STEPS inventory, how much damage their activity has caused. That is a big mistake! Do the inventory from a mindful space and shame is not involved in it. I can see that Part that doesn’t want to look at any of this. Let us get to know this Part, that see what it is afraid of will happen, And even if you do it softly. Addiction is a place where you want to stay away from. I can assure the Part that there is a lot we can handle and I will be right there to help him with that. There are no Bad Parts.

Diagnosis, some people get attached to it. Ok, I got this condition so that is why I am doing this stuff. It is a relief. But it doesn’t help you with the relationship with the part. You still feel like a broken person and that there is something wrong with you. The diagnostic categories just represent a cluster of Protectors. but that is all they are. Instead we go to the Protectors and get them to trust so they don’t have to do this.

Ego means a cluster of little Managers, they are Parts you are most identified with, they run your life, and the voices in your head that are trying to figure out which way to go, two Managers, both trying to protect but in the opposite way. I am trying to bring the compassionate awareness of the Ego, Parts of you that have jumped into those roles to just manage your life when you were young and they are tired too! They get a bad name all the time.

The big question for the Protectors what is it afraid that will happen if they did not have to do this job? In answering that you will hear either about the Exiles it is trying to protect or some Fire Fighters polarised and afraid to take over, if it doesn’t keep you busy writing books.

Saboteurs are generally afraid you will succeed, and if you succeed, you will be seen and then you will be attacked. Keeping you small!

It becomes a life practice. When I wake up in the morning I spend time in the bed, checking with the Parts I am working with, see how they are doing today. If they need anything? If any of them have reverted to their past roles or brought the burdens back or just make sure they know I haven’t forgotten about them. For me, these are real, they are not imaginary. These are the real Inner Family we all live with. Just like your external family, if you neglect them they are going strict???. It takes mostly ten mins, just stay connected, reminding them that today I will be doing this interview I could handle it, you don’t have to jump in! Always goes better if you let me stay! In the break, I am talking to them and saying, it is going to be ok, just let me stay. Then I stay with those C word qualities, I am pretty calm, pretty confidant, pretty clear and compassionate and I am creative, connected, curious, courageous.

Every SELF in it’s pure state, those 8 C’s are prominent qualities. There are other qualities like Joy, Perspective. I can check very quickly how much I am in my body and SELF versus some part that has taken over and you get a real palpable sense of the difference. If you said something to trigger me, I will notice and I will say, just let me stay, relax a little bit. Now my Parts trust is better if I do that. It has taken a lot of work, lot of those morning connections, a lot of them burnings?? but they now basically trust me most of the times. There is a non denominational Spiritual beauty in all of us!

Traditional Psychology believes in attachment theory. To have any of those C word qualities you needed to have certain kind of parenting during the critical period in your childhood. And if you didn’t get that, then you got to get it from a Therapist or Spouse. It comes from a relationship and not not inherent in us.

Just by getting some Parts to open space, the same person pops out of them that is popping out of these other less abused clients. Maybe this is like Buddha Nature or like Atman, maybe this is like Christ Consciousness. Seems like every Spiritual tradition works for it. No other Psychologies do. Then I can ground it over there and it turns out that you don’t have to meditate for 10 years to get to it, it is right beneath the surface. This is one of many systems that can make a difference so I am trying to bring more SELF leadership to the world basically and having some success doing that. SELF is contagious! As we heal our painful parts, they can lead themselves and be much more effective.

I do not get triggered as I used to by so many things. You can judge it, if the same thing is triggered, it is not the case anymore.

Help the armoured Parts trust to raise this other person who can handle. Clear those C words are courage, confidence, and clarity. My SELF can be totally fierce if necessary. I don’t have to rely on armoured Part. If I am going to date?? the situation, I can ask my exiles to go into a waiting room. They don’t have to be here to lie low and I (True SELF) will handle the situation. We really trying to help the Protectors to trust SELF.

There was a part of me that hated my father and loved running full speed into guys twice my size. I would call on that Part that kept me alive. Unless you are perpetuating this sense that they don’t know you and they don’t trust you and feel like they have to protect you all the time.

We are helping them become Volunteer Fire Department rather than Fire Fighters that are on duty all the time It doesn’t have to protect me all the time.

Exercise with Rich

So far you have mentioned 4 or 5 different Protectors you could start with. There is a Critic, there is a Striver that is trying to get achievements so you feel better about yourself.

Self Awareness by itself doesn’t help you change. The most important is the Protector that that won’t let me give or receive love. We just have to start by focussing on that feeling. have you experienced that Protective Part? Have you found it in your body? Maybe we can start with the Self Conscious Part. See if you can find it in your body or around the body? Probably around my Heart. Focus on it there and tell me how do you feel toward it? Ask the Part to give us space for 5 mins to get to know this one in your heart? We get that it feels that it is really dependant on that to do what you are doing. But let it know if it lets us help this one, you are not going to stop doing what you are doing, you will do it more effectively. Ask it to give us a chance. It doesn’t have to, if it is too determined, that this will be too tragic to your system. But if it is willing to let us go with compassion to this one, you can lead the system more effectively than this Part. You don’t have to say it out loud, you can say it inside. If it is willing you will notice a shift and you won’t have the same need to keep it going. I can talk to it directly if you want. You are the Part of Rich that really thinks he needs to feel all these bad feelings to be motivated to do the job and that’s enough, and he doesn’t need to have love inside otherwise because he is bringing it to us. I do feel you deserve huge amount of credit for motivating Rich. Are you tired now? Part is indefatigable, SELF is tired. Just let the Part speak. Is that true that you are not tired, you just keep going forever or there are times when you get tired? If it drags, but I have got a lot of endurance and I get a kick out of the suffering. You get a kick out of Rich’s suffering? Ya! What is the kick about? Because through the suffering he knows more about himself. So, you are afraid if you gave up suffering he won’t be learning much. The suffering is the engine . That is different, not just learning but he wouldn’t be motivated the way he is without the suffering. If he is not suffering then he is not working hard enough. How old do you think Rich is? Probably 15. I guess when he was really 15 you had to do this for him. But will you be shocked to learn that he is considerably older than that. He might think that he is older than that but I know that he is still 15. He is still as vulnerable as he was then? The Part is operating under the assumption that nothing has changed. That you are still in that kind of vulnerability. I understand why you are still taking this position that was necessary back then. So, if you really trusted that he wasn’t so vulnerable now, will that make any difference in your attitude? If would but you have to prove to me that he is trust worthy. Tell me more as to why you think he is not trust worthy? He couldn’t protect you back then. How do you feel towards the 15 year old boy? I have deep compassion sadness. Could you let him know that? And just see how he reacts to your compassion. He was very invisible then, but do you see him right now? I see him too and you care about him. Just see if he wants to know more about about what was life back there for? So, you are recognising how you feel towards him. There is a feeling of calm. It is helping him to have you with him this way. Do you see him right now or just sensing him? I can see him. How close you are to him. I am right next to him. And how is he reacting to your proximity? Unsure not nearly trusting. This is new to him. We are not going to push this. We are just going to be with him in a caring way until he starts to trust a little bit more. We are back to relationship with you Rich. so, he can trust you Rich. Just take your time. He can trust you. He doesn’t have to perform for you. You are just there because you care about him. He is comforted. He is scared and feels alone in that and very private in that. Ask him if he would like you to show up in this way for him more? He has legacy burdens. I have to be this person, I will make it work, I will be fine just leave me alone. So, he carries all that. Ask that since he got from other people, It is not his. Does he like carrying on all that? No, it doesn’t feel safe to be who he wants to be. In that context, in that time period. Ask him if he would like you to take him out of there to a safe place? Ya, that’s what he wants. So, you are ready to do that? Ya, so let’s take him wherever he would like to go. Relief. Does he trust you care about him? I think so. Ya. Tell him he never has to go back and you will look after him and ask him if he is ready to unload the Legacy burden that made him feel so bad. There is a welcoming of that but also I wasn’t conscious of the Legacy burden that I had at that time. He is not quite understanding the proposition. Ask him to scan his body and see for anything that he carries that doesn’t belong to him? There is a lot. Why does he carry all that? It is a sense of feeling trapped in the wrong life. Now that he is here with you, you will be taking care of him. Would he like to unload that? Yes. Ask him what he would like to give it all upto, like water, fire, wind anything else? I think the water. Set that up, take him to water and let him take all of it out from his body, let the water take it. No need to carry that anymore cause he is not living back there anymore. Just do that until it is all out of him. Ok. How is he feeling now? Lighter, freer, hopeful. Tell him if he would like to, he can invite qualities into his body, he would like to have to replace all that stuff. You can just see what comes into him. Empowering sense of agency, self efficacy and permission, really is the big one, that it is ok to be who he is. So, how is he doing now? He is doing better. Let us invite all these Protectors we met to come in and see that they don’t have to protect him anymore. There might be other Parts but that he is doing well, particularly the one that lead us to him and just see how they react. The situation is confusing as to what we are going to do now? This is cool. What would they like to do now? Start thinking about new roles. Source of empowerment. Thank them for quite a big piece of work. Just check and see if there is anything else we need to do before we come back up? Not just Support and encouragement, but the tools to be able to stand on his own two feet and explore his own way. Are you willing to do that for them? Yes. So, let them know. Does that feel complete for now? Ya, it is pretty good! Come on out. How you feeling? Feel good. It was surprisingly meaningful. Maintenance simply means, tomorrow morning you wake up, see how he is feeling. If he is still feeling good, if not, why not, what happened, Did some other Parts throw him back, cause it was pregnant not to have the power over him, maintaining on your own now. It helps to map it out in some form but take it as real. So, it is a real Inner System that needs maintenance. Thank you!